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Guest column: But it said so in the papers
by Bill Lewis
Guest Columnist
July 18, 2014 02:50 PM | 4055 views | 0 0 comments | 10 10 recommendations | email to a friend | print
Bill Lewis
Bill Lewis
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There’s another scandal brewing that stems from, shockingly, Washington.

It seems a White House occupant had a 15-year affair with one of his neighbors. At least, that’s the tale historical documents purportedly will tell when they’re released at the end of this month.

Yep. Apparently Warren G. Harding, the 29th president of these United States, had a longtime mistress. Initial reports indicate Carrie Phillips and Warren were quite madly and passionately infatuated with each other. Beginning in 1905 and continuing until the 1920 election, Harding wrote some pretty steamy letters to Phillips. Some of them might even have been the early 20th-century version of sexting.

The affair apparently ended when Harding took office. Perhaps it would have been hard for Phillips to explain to her husband why she wanted to move to Washington at the time. The leaked letters, thus far, are only from Warren G. to Carrie.

There actually was more than one mistress mischief-maker on a national presidential ticket in 1920. The Democrats’ choice for vice president that year was a young Franklin D. Roosevelt, he of the Lucy Mercer and Missy Lehand affairs during his time in office more than a dozen years later.

But I digress. The topic is another Washington scandal. And when I said “president” at the start, I would imagine some thought this was going to be about the current commander-in-chief.

After all, if you bother to read the headlines of the tabloids in the checkout line at the grocery store, you would know very well that “Michelle is furious with Barack” over [fill in the blank]. It’s been drunken White House parties, flirtations with a female Danish prime minister, outrage over her spending habits — you know, the usual.

It really is always fun to peruse the papers while your milk, bread, ice cream and Hershey’s syrup scoot down Kroger’s conveyor belt. And just in case you’ve been too preoccupied with real scandals of late, here’s some, and only some, of what you’ve missed.

The British royals always make for good copy, from youngest to oldest. Baby Prince George has apparently had a rough year. Lots of colic, reportedly, and the parents are beside themselves with worry. Duchess Kate, by the way, is hated by the queen. Oh, and Kate is definitely having a girl next. Or twins. Although one report says she’s way too thin to become pregnant. William has really been given a pass of late. Fortunately, Harry gets into enough mischief for both of them. That, after all, is his job — protecting Will.

In other hot tabloid news, Angelina Jolie is a heroin addict. And she’s very angry with husband Brad Pitt, who apparently had dinner with his ex-wife, Jennifer Anniston. Jennifer, by the way, is getting married. No, wait; she isn’t. It depends on which week you read the papers. But she is definitely pregnant. No, wait; she isn’t. And let’s not get started on whether or not Brad is the father and/or groom-to-be.

All is apparently not comical on the Ellen Degeneres front. She and her significant other are involved in a massive divorce settlement because one of them is headed to rehab.

As for the Kardashians ... well, who really cares about them. They are so done with their 15 minutes of fame. That is, other than the fact Bruce Jenner, the Kardashian stepfather, wants to be a woman. Hey, it was there in print. Has to be true, right?

And just for conversation starters: Dick Cheney is a robot, the FBI has captured a bat child and Hillary is adopting an alien baby. Plus, she’s also gay, poor and regularly throws things at Bill. One of my current favorite headlines is this: "Adolf Hitler Was A Woman. Ditto Abraham Lincoln." Obama’s closest friends are terrorists. So many country stars are getting divorced Nashville courts are backed up for months. By the time they get around to court dates, they’ll be back together again. And just in case you were wondering, O.J. continues to search diligently for Nicole’s killer, tracking every inch of his Nevada jail cell.

That pretty much brings you up to date. No paper mentioned the IRS, Benghazi, the VA, the soldier trapped in Mexico for a wrong turn, the terrorist prisoner swap for a possible deserter or any of the other true-life juicy news items.

Yes, it’s always a treat to find out what’s really going on. Which is why I saved the best for last: Chocolate will save your life.

Bill Lewis is a freelance writer in Marietta.
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